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托福写作批改:考生范文实例剖析及润色

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发表于 2016-8-23 08:00:01 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
TPO5
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do. 人们花费太多时间做他们喜欢的事情,而不是应该做的事情,是否认同?

〖全文点评〗
馨月为理科大二女生,曾参加过托福考试,这是一篇练笔习作。作者的主题明确,例证鲜明,衔接顺畅。然而,本文的问题在于①细节错误过多,②语言缺乏变化。③有些词汇的缺失会使作者的思想被误读。小鹏哥精解之后,在作者思想不变的情况下,做了语言的润色,使文章读起来更加顺畅精彩。

〖本篇点评〗
作家立场建议支持人们去做自己喜欢的事情。①兴趣是最好的老师,选我所爱,才能爱我所选。进而激发学习热情,提高学习效率。② 人人都有无限的潜能可以被开发,而人生的奋斗过程就是追求稀缺的过程,不走寻常路之人,也许有更多机会,拥抱精彩人生,例如facebook 的创始人辍学创业的经历。③ 人们对于什么是应该做的事情其实是没有定论的,因此,做自己喜欢的事情,很多情况下,就是应该做的事情。

〖学生习作〗馨月
〖首段〗作家立场
I don’t agree that people spend too much time doing things that people like but are meaningless. Though there are some people who are fortunate enough that the things they have to do ① is precisely the things they have interest in. They won’t face the dilemma to choose how to distribute the time so they can apportion all the time doing things they like to do.

〖点评〗首段直接亮明作家立场,但是,没有对题目指令信息作出有效改写。文章的语言有待升华,出现细节性错误。① is 应该改为复数 are

〖润色〗
I am quite amazed when hearing people say that people spend excessive time doing things that they like but are meaningless. Though there are some people who are so fortunate that the things they have to tackle are precisely the things they take considerable interest in. They won’t fall into the dilemma to choose how to allocate time, therefore they can happily embark on what their hearts desire.

〖解析〗
1. I am quite amazed when hearing people say that ……当……的时候,总是很惊讶
2. take considerable interest in 感兴趣
3. fall into the dilemma 陷入困境
4. can happily embark on what their hearts desire 快乐地做自己喜欢的事情

〖二段〗第一次支持作家立场
However, for most ordinary people, what they like to do and what they have to do are usually two ① parallel thatwon’t have a junction at all. And these people tend to spend more time on something they ② are long to do instead of things they need to do. It’s an understandable choice and hard to conquer it. As a result, people prefer to spend time doing the things they want to do to relax themselves in their leisure time. However, it does not means these enjoyments③ are a waste of time. After a long period of ④hardworking, people need some entertainments to relax themselves. If people ⑤ not have the chance to do the things they are really interested in, they will decrease the efficiency to do the things which theyshould concentrate on. Workers who work consistently are easily to make errors. As a result, people work ⑥5 days and enjoy the weekend to guarantee the efficiency.

〖点评〗二段出现用法的错误,语言重复,路标词重复,文字不够凝练。① parallel 应该为复数。② are long to 正确写法是 long to do sth ③are a waste of time 改为might be a waste of time ④ hardworking 形容词应该改为 hard work. ⑤ 应该是 do not ⑥改为 five days

〖润色〗
Nevertheless, as for most ordinary people, what they like to do and what they have to do are usually two parallels that won’t have a junction at all. These people tend to spend more time on something they long to do instead of things they need to do. It’s an understandable choice and hard to conquer it. Hence, people prefer to spend time embarking on the things they enjoy to provide relaxation for leisure hours. However, it does not means these enjoyments equal to great time-wasters. After a long period of honest hard work, people need to relax and rest for a while. If people do not have the chance to do what interests them, they might slacken efforts, which will decrease the efficiency of the tasks in which they are doing. Workers who work consistently are more likely to make errors. Thereby, people who work five days can enjoy the weekend and guarantee the efficiency.

〖解析〗
1. nevertheless, as for 然而,关于 ……
2. provide relaxation for leisure hours 为休闲时光提供乐趣
3. equal to great time-wasters 浪费时间的事情
4. honest hard work 诚实的的努力
5. need to relax and rest for a while 休息放松一下
6. to do what interests them 做喜欢的事情
7. slacken efforts 放松努力
8. tasks in which they are doing 正在做的事情

〖三段〗第二次支持作家立场
The standard of things people should do vary ① from the different people. And personal thought might oppose the mainstream. Zuckerberg hasn’t finished his study in Howard University. In the traditional opinion, he spends too much time on the meaningless thing. But it’s the decision that makes him one of the most successful businessmen around the world. Ifhe ② don’t choose to spend all their time on what he ③ interested in, and spend most time on ④study which is a correct decision in ordinary thinking. ⑤He might ⑥achieve such an achievement as now. After all only when people ⑥doing things they⑦ longed to do, could they create miracles.

〖点评〗facebook 创始人的例证很好,有说服力。① from 应该改为among, ② don’t 应该改为 doesn’t, ③ interested in 应该改为 is interested in, ④ study 改 为studying ⑤He might前面有逗号,he为小写,⑥ achieve 改为 fail to achieve 逻辑才顺畅。

〖润色〗
The standard of things people should do vary greatly among different people. Personal thought might contradict the mainstream. Zuckerberg hasn’t finished his study in Howard University. In the traditional opinion, he spends too much time on the trivial or valueless thing. But it’s the decision that makes him end up becoming one of the most successful risk-takers and business leaders around the world. If he doesn’t choose to spend all his time on what he is interested in, andspend great amounts of time on studying what is a correct decision in ordinary thinking, he might fail to achieve such an achievement. In this sense, only by means of doing things people aspire after could they create miracles.

〖解析〗
1. vary greatly among different people 在不同人之间有差异
2. spends too much time on the trivial or valueless thing 花费太多时间在琐碎的无意义的事情上
3. end up becoming one of the most successful risk-takers and business leaders 最终成为成功的冒险家和企业家之一
4. spend great amounts of time on 花费大量时间做……
5. In this sense, only by means of doing sth can sb do 从这个意义上说,只有通过……,……才能……
〖尾段〗亮明观点
In a word, ① it may seem that people spend too much time on doing things that have no relation to the really important things. In fact, these things might be the really meaningful things to us.
〖点评〗 ① it may seem that 作者想表达“似乎是”,但是,正确的写法是 it seems that
〖润色〗
In closing, it seems that we sometimes spend too much time on doing things that have little relevance to what really matters. Virtually, these things might be the really meaningful to us.
〖解析〗

1. in closing, it seems that 总之,似乎是
2. have little relevance to 和……关系不大
3. what really matters 正在重要的事情
4. virtually adv实际上

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